A continuation of this post

Caramelized shallots

Because you think you're better than onions.

Step 1

Peel the shallots that you got from grocery delivery because you couldn't be bothered, you capitalist.

Step 2

Cry in front of your roommate.

Step 3

Put 3/4 of a stick of butter in the pan. Pretend you didn't see what you just did. Try to cover up your crime by covering it with shallots. The shallots absorb the butter. You will never be able to hide your shame.

Step 4

When the shallots start to turn translucent, add salt and pepper.

Step 5

Crap. Is part of it starting to burn? How frequently were you supposed to stir it? What do you mean by “stir frequently,” recipe?

Step 6

Try to cut the cheese. What is this packaging? Why is white cheddar white? What is this packaging? Which dairy farmer witch woke up and cursed me with this difficult packaging?

Step 7

Oh, that's definitely starting to look burnt. Should you remove it from the heat? Didn't you just write about needing to caramelize onions over a long time? You can't give up now! There are no stakes!

Step 8

Cut more cheese. Stop lying to yourself. You love cheese. When you were young, your mom said you were a picky eater who would only eat cheese, pizza, and milk. Thank god you're not lactose intolerant.

Step 9

Is black the same as dark walnut?

Step 10

Remember the time you gave your resume to the wrong company and took it back because you only printed one copy?

Step 11

Who do you think you are?

Step 12

It's not bad. Maybe you don't suck that much. Perhaps you shouldn't've cooked this past midnight, though.