I 老板

My mother asserts in name.

My sister and I share the same middle name “Guo”, my mother's maiden name, which she kept even after coming to the United States.

My father calls my mother “老板”, which he translates as “boss”, of the household.

II Laoban

In my corner store, I spotted Laoban Dumplings on sale. The brand translates Laoban as “boss”, of the dumpling shop.

I thought of the Chinatown restauranters who fed me when I wasn't sleeping well, and got sick of Trader Joe's frozen foods.

III dumplings

My clumsy hands can barely cook right now. Instead of making broth from scratch like I used to, I dilute some Better Than Bouillon.

As I boil the dumplings, I imagine my 老板 chastising me - how much for this small bag? And did you add vegetables? I imagine my Laoban struggling to communicate with me - my tired, broken Chinese and his tired, broken English forming a tired, broken bridge.

And I learn to let go. I'm not cooking for my 老板; I'm not cooking for my Laoban.

I'm cooking for me. As basic as my cooking seems, I find power in that.