1. Start with a uniquely textured bread.

You want a color between white and whole grain bread, so both people who prefer the taste of white and people who prefer the health of whole grain will feel slightly confused. You also want the texture of plastic, to scare your eater into thinking they forgot to remove a layer of packaging.

2. Take some egg, and mash it into an unrecognizable paste.

Most “chefs” and “cooks” and “normal people” would recommend leaving a bit of variance in texture. Those same idiots would also suggest diced celery or onion for crunch, or, you know salt. Clearly, they have not received the luxurious grace of Airport Egg Salad Sandwich God.

3. Put the Egg Salad Sandwich next to even more expensive, even less appetizing options so a passenger, not quite an expert, fresh n’ crusty from a red eye flight will pay $8 plus tax for your Masterpiece.